Let's Talk About 'Not All Men'

• 'Not all men' — a statement rife with misogyny — has been popularized by young men on social media in order to defend the public image of men in general. 

•  This piece reflects upon how normalized gender-based violence and oppression have become in today’s time. 

READ THE ARTICLE IN ITALIAN HERE / QUI LA TRADUZIONE IN ITALIANO DELL'ARTICOLO

Image of a girl holding a flag at the annual Women’s March held in 2019 in Pakistan. The flag reads: <<Women’s March 2019. We women>>. Credit: Beenish Sarfaraz

Patriarchy is a death sentence for women all over the world. 

In Naples, Italy, 14-year-old Martina Carbonaro was recently found stoned to death by her ex-boyfriend. In 2006, 20-year-old Pakistani woman, Hina Saleem, was murdered by her father in a horrifying 'honour killing' in Brescia, Italy. This case sparked a nationwide debate about Italy’s own history and laws regarding honour killings. In Pakistan, such brutal cases of violence are so common that they don’t even make the news. 

This thinkpiece—penned by Pakistani writer, Sana Siddiqui, currently living in Naples—discusses the everyday cruelty that women face due to the patriarchal customs embedded in our societies.

Speaking out in this society is almost a rebellion in itself—so I want to speak out. Because there really isn't much that a small, young woman can do to bring change in her country.

 

Living in one of the most unsafe-for-women countries in the world sucks. Because every day we hear terrible news about someone or the other, a woman or a child, being horrifically abused, harassed, or assaulted—if not worse. We live in this terror constantly. You'll see people share posts of such occurrences with the captions, "This could have been us." But it is. It is us. It is our friends, our mothers, our sisters, our aunts. All of us have a story. Some just don't live to tell it.

Protestors at Aurat March in Pakistan. The placards in the first image read: <<It’s not your father’s road>> (implying that women are allowed to take up as much space as they want on the roads), <<Women are not childbearing machines>>,  <<If you like scarves so much, blindfold yourself with them>>. The placard in the second image translates to: <<See, I’m sitting properly now>>. The placards in the third image highlight the significance of the wage gap between employed men and women. The other two read: <<Education is a woman’s best jewelry>> and <<Our religion calls daughters ‘mercy’, give them respect and acceptance>>. Credits: Nawab Afridi from Wikimedia, Creative Commons Licence.

A friend of mine who lives abroad told me about skipping town with a guy one time. They were just friends. He never made a move. In Europe and the West, while sexism is still rampant, there is at least some semblance of laws and cultural expectations that make women walking alone at night or traveling with their male friends feel safer. But even that basic human right—the security that comes with knowing that the man we are with will not hurt us—is something women in my country have never had. Even the men we trust take full advantage of patriarchy. Even the good men. Because they do exist. 'Not all men', right? Not all men are monsters. But ultimately, at the end of the day, all men benefit from the boons of patriarchy.

Credits: Sana Siddiqui

The good men—those who are good to their wives and their daughters—don't they enjoy the rights patriarchy bestows upon them? They may not harass young women on the street or order their wives to cover up, but more often than not, they are the ones who have the final say about everything that goes on in their households. Men have more power in this society. If things go south, men are the ones who get away with things. Women are the ones who need to submit in any marriage. 

Now, you may consider marriage a partnership, as many women in my country do. We're raised with what I like to call 'the Cinderella mentality'. That a man will come and sweep us off our feet and change our lives forever. We're raised with the thinking that marriage will give us more freedom. But these are all lies in pretty packaging. Once married, we are now forever tied to a man. Where he goes, we go. If we want to travel without him, we will not be allowed to. If we don't want to meet his family (for whatever reason), we are the ones vilified. If we can't or don't want to cook for him, we are the ones vilified. If we don't want to follow even a single societal wife or daughter-in-law norm, we are the ones vilified. 

Doing things in the ways dictated by the 'man of the house' is considered a compromise. Because hey, look: he lets you live in his house, eat his food, and wear clothes bought by his money. You can't say a word because then you are considered ungrateful and unhomely. Even if you have a job, it just isn't as important as his. Throw your ambitions about traveling the world or partying 'til midnight out of the window. You're now bound to his way of living. 

And this isn't even the half of it. Regardless of what we want, our parents push the idea of marriage over and over. They repeat it until girls break and learn that there is no other choice in this society. They act worried that their daughter may have no future if a good man doesn't propose. They voice this worry, and then repeat it over and over so it sinks in. They tell their daughters that they can do the things they want, but after marriage, like travel or explore the world. Again and again.

Credits: Sana Siddiqui

They make memes about this these days. They make jokes. But it really isn't funny. What it is, is propaganda. Indoctrination. Slow brain-washing until the daughters and girls of this society believe them. Believe that this is what 'normal' is. But it's all simply a ploy to steal autonomy from women.

 

The only reason why a man and a woman should marry is love. Because they want a life and a partnership together. But here, we do it to please our parents. And so the society doesn't shit on our parents.

 

You will catch parents say quite frequently, <<Betiyon ki shadi karadein toh sukoon hojata hai>>. This loosely translates to, <<Getting our daughters married brings us relief>>. Relief. Because—per their own words—their daughter's wedding is their responsibility. But the context parents use this statement in, is the danger of harassment and assault in this country. If we are harassed or assaulted while living under our parents' roof, society and people will blame them. But once we are out of their house and 'happily' wedded into another family, we aren't their responsibility anymore. That's why parents try so hard to keep their daughters married, even if they're married to an abusive man. Because: 

a) If we are harassed while wedded to a man, it's his responsibility. His responsibility. He will be questioned why we were out so late, or wearing what we were wearing, or what the circumstances were. It's not our parents' headache anymore. And, 

b) Once divorced, people and the society will once again shit on them. 

Our families need to evaluate why they care so much more about what random strangers in society think than their own flesh and blood.

In the world we live in, the idea that 'not all men will do this or that' is wishful thinking. It breaks my heart when I see women excited for marriage, like they won't have to give up their futures to be with men who will henceforth dictate how they live their lives, no matter how gently they do it. Women who are ambitious and passionate waste their futures and their lives because this is what is 'normal'. 

Have you ever taken your sister aside and asked her what she wants to do with her life? A promising career and a bright future, or this—a whole life shackled to a man and what he wants, in the name of compromise and making your parents happy? Or your friend getting engaged at 19, is this what she wanted? 

This society is patriarchal. Our fathers and our husbands dictate our lives. It is wishful thinking to think we have control over any of it, not as long as we are here, living with them. It is wishful thinking that the man you will get arranged-married to will let you have any more than an ounce of control over your life. Yeah, your parents will be happy. And you want to believe them being happy is everything and that you don't need anything more than that. They raised you, after all—it's your duty to do whatever you can to make them happy. But you? You won't be happy.

Image showing the citizens of Karachi, Pakistan, protesting for women’s rights at the annual Women’s March in 2019. Credits: Sana Siddiqui

Sana Siddiqui

Thank you for making it to the end, and special thanks to Sana, the author of our first article in English. "Fanrivista, La Fanzina Generalista" is an independent online magazine based in Italy and an example of "artisan", experimental and slow-news journalism. "Fan" stands for "fanzine" and "rivista" means "magazine". Roughly, it could be translated as "The General Press Fanzine" and it fuses characteristics of general media and autonomous publishing. 

In the past we have published some English content on our (a)social media profiles, as well as on the Fediverse (like this interview with Stella Assange and this question to Vijay Prashad—yet to be answered) and we are planning to publish more content following an internationalist perspective.

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